Punany Monologues Pt. 3: Natalie Storm Talks About Sex

nataliestorm

One Friday every month, our garrison celebrity sex-blogger Natalie Storm listens to her vagina, and reports back to us with some news from the world of PumPum. It’s been a while since Natalie last checked in, but it was worth the waitโ€”this might be her best work yet (Or, if you’re a dude who isn’t getting the job done in the bedroom, the worst). Tell em, Nat…

According to My Vagina: Fake It โ€˜Til You Make It

My constant companion.
She’s the voice of no reason and when she is pleased she smiles.
The vagina never lies.
Though the heart may be fooled,
she’ll always tell the truth.

According to my vagina, a lot of us women know how to fake an orgasm. C’mon, we’ve all done it! We’ve done it with our husbands, our boyfriends, for some of us, our wives and (my personal favorite) the guy we cheated with that last time. Yes, we cannot hide our displeasure. It reads in our eyes like reflections of Benjamins.

Speaking of Benjamins, if I had a dollar for every time I’ve faked an orgasm, I’d be Oprah up in this bitch! Whether we’ve done it out of love, hate or a sick sense of kindness (let’s face it, we never want to admit we made a mistake with our stats on the package), we’ve done it and, if you haven’t, you will soon (*wink, wink*). I get a sick pleasure from knowing they don’t know that I’m doing it (hehehe) and if they act all superior when it’s over, I let them know and give them a repeat of the festivities without the actual festivity. Yes, I’ve been guilty of faking a fake orgasm.

But let’s ask ourselves why we do it. Oh hell, let’s not — who the fuck cares!? The only people who are bothered are the people who should be bothered. You know, the ones who made you fake it to begin with. Most guys don’t spend the time necessary to find the sexual idiosyncrasies of each woman they’re involved with. They think they’re all-knowing and fail to realize that every woman is like a fresh canvas on which to create a work of art. I personally believe it’s better to just fake it, get it over with, send them packing and never invite them in for coffee again if they come up disappointing! It’s way simpler than stopping them to point things out and getting frustrated when they go right back to doing the same stupid shit they were doing before.

You may be wondering why I’m so heated on the topic. I’m really not, I just have a very passionate vagina, that’s all. And if I was heated it would be more like overheated from being gassed up all the time and then having nowhere to go. It’s like JayJay putting on her Sunday best and then being told there’s no ice cream at the ice cream store. So ladies don’t waste your breath explaining where the g-spot is (just tell him to google it) or how to get there. Just fake it, break it and eradicate it. And if you’re in love with pitterpatter dick, then fake it, break it and get another jack to stake it. Either way, just get them the hell outta there!

Until next time…

Pumpum power rocks!

Natalie Storm

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